Are You the One they Call Beowulf?

Last year, I wrote about checking out Friday the 13th III in its original 3-D form. It was awesome in its own love for the fledgling technology, placing broomsticks precariously close to the audience's eyes or popping popcorn into the third dimension for like 20 minutes. Well, the technology has come a long, long way, but the self-fascination remains, and as badass as 3-D is, you will still have the “hey look, this is totally 3-D” shots thrown your way.

With that, let's get down to Geats:

Beowulf (an epic post for an epic tale)
First off, this picture isn't just 3-D, it's crazy Zemeckis Polar Express (yeah, I saw it. What?) up there. You know, where (for the most part) the “cartoons” totally look like the actor who is playing them only with less pock marks and better abs. It kind of blows my mind. Anyway, here we go:

I am a huge fan of Beowulf. It is, in my opinion, one of the boldest tales ever told. It is pure metal at times, and it smacks of honor and the Norse. If you think it sucks because you had to memorize part of it in Olde English in high school, I suggest taking a look at the relatively new (2000?) Seamus Heaney translation. It kicks ass. “Wound-slurry.” All I'm saying.

As a lover of Beowulf, I was heard to remark “that's bullshit!” quite loudly in the theater when the first MAJOR plot discrepancy occurred like 10 minutes in, but luckily I was able to put that behind me and enjoy the sheer digital insanity to come.

Digital Hopkins guzzles mead with his thanes and frolics in his Hall, and all is well. Until Grendel shows up. Played by Crispin Glover (reunited w/ Back to the Future director Zemeckis), this Grendel owes more to the titular character of John Gardner's book than to the monster of the original. He is tragic, misshapen, and sad, and has bad hair and a pulsating eardrum that drives him to violence. He speaks Dutch or German or ESL to his mother until he is slain by Beowulf.

(note: once in a hotel in Chicago, I was in the lobby next to Mr. Glover. He was clad in all leather, and as he poured himself a cup of coffee, he rapped the words, “I am going to a party. I am going to party,” over and over again. It was 11:30 AM. It is, to this day, one of the greatest moments of my life.)

As the well-endowed mother of Grendel, digital Angelina Jolie seems a bit hotter than real life Jolie, as though the digital version has no love of orphans or home-wrecking, but only has love for you. She uses an accent similar to her “I'm kind of Russian” thing she does in Alexander. It's ridiculous, but I don't think that is what she'll be remembered for by most.

Once Grendel gets killed, there are some fantastic digital battles involving equally fantastic digital gore. There are blades and chalices, and oaths, and loss, and betrayal, and all the things you'd expect from such a picture. However, there is also some digital buffoonery with a non-seen Beo-penis that goes on way too long. There is also digital Malkovich who is awesome in the same ways as real Malkovich, and his character serves to work in some of the bizzaro Christian elements that the Monks forced into the book. There is also digital Robin Wright Penn, who I think I have a little crush on. Not the real Mrs. Wright-Penn, mind you. She seems like she could destroy me.

OK, so after the battles and ascensions to the thrown, there is a dragon chase that resembles every dream I have had since I was 12. There is also a moment when our hero slices the muscles in his own arm to bring him closer to the heart of the beast. But, where, I ask, was the high-flying guitar lick to underscore it?

Eventually, the movie reaches an ending similar to that of the book. There is a funeral pyre on a dragon ship and a flaming waterfall, and it's so very right. But then, there is the Sci-Fi Channel style “is the story really over?” ending, which is totally absurd.

If you can divorce yourself from the book (probably not too hard for many), this is a crazy 3-D ride. However, I must say this—the picture calls into question Beowulf's honor, and that I cannot abide. And so I give it 3-Griecos. Enjoy it. Love it. Battle it. And prepare for Ragnarok.

Also, prepare for Part II of this epic, in which I will break down the 3-D previews the lovely Sherpa and I saw before the movie.