This is Spartan!

So, I now know what my hell will be. A TV with no cable and 7 of 11 channels broadcast in a language I don't speak. That's how I am rolling in the new house, and it's made keeping up with Lifetime, SciFi, and the myriad other bad movie outlets very difficult. However, it has allowed me to enjoy shows such as "Don't Forget the Lyrics" and 21 Dance club, which is a local show that is basically a Krump-off. It's awesome. Seriously, this kid went up there kind of dressed like Erkel and talked like Erkel, and then just krupmed the shit out of the place. Anyway, my no-cable situation (soon to be rectified) has made the lovely Sherpa and I focus on our DVD collection. We hooked up our shit in stereo and watched 300 the other night. Totally metal, y'all. A movie entirely about honor, and you know I'm into honor. But I didn't come here to talk about honor and abs. Oh, no. With Sparta on my mind, I started flipping through the 4 English language channels I have. Now, with no guide, I've been forced to rely on my superior training (The Video Hound Game) to figure out what I'm watching. At first, when I gazed upon a portly Val Kilmer with terribly dyed hair, I was confused. Then he opened his mouth and spoke the forced, stilted, rapid patter that could only be Mamet's, and I knew I was watching Spartan.

Now, I didn't make it through this picture, but Kilmer's hair alone makes it worth checking out. I think it's supposed to be brown, but it looks reddish and entirely unnatural. You'd think if they'd let him on screen at 40 lbs. overweight, they'd let him on screen with gray hair, but no. So, there's Kilmer's hair, Booby Miles from FNL, and some intrigue, but it just doesn't seem to work on any level. Now, as a theatre kid I have spent my time kneeling before Mamet and calling him the fuck--what's the-you know--the f--I can't even--it's too many--too many--you fucking--c--shut up--bubby, but now I just think he's kind of a hack. Don't get me wrong, I still love Glengary and American Buffalo is pretty cool, but he seems to have become a caricature of himself. He's like the Robin Williams of playwrights. That said, check out Spartan for Kilmer's hair, oddly timed pauses, and a fading glimmer of all that was once Iceman.

And Happy Birthday to Sherpa and Obidiah! Wonder Twins Powers Activate! Form of an ice bucket.