Back from Thanksgiving

The 4-day weekend was beautiful but too short. I have recovered from beige food overdose. I am going to try something new to try to get GIK back up and running on a regular basis. Start looking for posts to go up on the weekend. I hope to do at least two (maybe 3) a week still, but this whole work thing is kicking my ass, so Sat. and Sun. seem like the way to go. Also, I would like to open the floor to some guest posts. TGOGS, the People look to you to return to glory. The people look to you all. Just let me know if you've seen some Grieco-worthy pictures that you would like to tell the world (or at least 7 or 8 others) about.

Keep it Grieco!

Are You the One they Call Beowulf?

Last year, I wrote about checking out Friday the 13th III in its original 3-D form. It was awesome in its own love for the fledgling technology, placing broomsticks precariously close to the audience's eyes or popping popcorn into the third dimension for like 20 minutes. Well, the technology has come a long, long way, but the self-fascination remains, and as badass as 3-D is, you will still have the “hey look, this is totally 3-D” shots thrown your way.

With that, let's get down to Geats:

Beowulf (an epic post for an epic tale)
First off, this picture isn't just 3-D, it's crazy Zemeckis Polar Express (yeah, I saw it. What?) up there. You know, where (for the most part) the “cartoons” totally look like the actor who is playing them only with less pock marks and better abs. It kind of blows my mind. Anyway, here we go:

I am a huge fan of Beowulf. It is, in my opinion, one of the boldest tales ever told. It is pure metal at times, and it smacks of honor and the Norse. If you think it sucks because you had to memorize part of it in Olde English in high school, I suggest taking a look at the relatively new (2000?) Seamus Heaney translation. It kicks ass. “Wound-slurry.” All I'm saying.

As a lover of Beowulf, I was heard to remark “that's bullshit!” quite loudly in the theater when the first MAJOR plot discrepancy occurred like 10 minutes in, but luckily I was able to put that behind me and enjoy the sheer digital insanity to come.

Digital Hopkins guzzles mead with his thanes and frolics in his Hall, and all is well. Until Grendel shows up. Played by Crispin Glover (reunited w/ Back to the Future director Zemeckis), this Grendel owes more to the titular character of John Gardner's book than to the monster of the original. He is tragic, misshapen, and sad, and has bad hair and a pulsating eardrum that drives him to violence. He speaks Dutch or German or ESL to his mother until he is slain by Beowulf.

(note: once in a hotel in Chicago, I was in the lobby next to Mr. Glover. He was clad in all leather, and as he poured himself a cup of coffee, he rapped the words, “I am going to a party. I am going to party,” over and over again. It was 11:30 AM. It is, to this day, one of the greatest moments of my life.)

As the well-endowed mother of Grendel, digital Angelina Jolie seems a bit hotter than real life Jolie, as though the digital version has no love of orphans or home-wrecking, but only has love for you. She uses an accent similar to her “I'm kind of Russian” thing she does in Alexander. It's ridiculous, but I don't think that is what she'll be remembered for by most.

Once Grendel gets killed, there are some fantastic digital battles involving equally fantastic digital gore. There are blades and chalices, and oaths, and loss, and betrayal, and all the things you'd expect from such a picture. However, there is also some digital buffoonery with a non-seen Beo-penis that goes on way too long. There is also digital Malkovich who is awesome in the same ways as real Malkovich, and his character serves to work in some of the bizzaro Christian elements that the Monks forced into the book. There is also digital Robin Wright Penn, who I think I have a little crush on. Not the real Mrs. Wright-Penn, mind you. She seems like she could destroy me.

OK, so after the battles and ascensions to the thrown, there is a dragon chase that resembles every dream I have had since I was 12. There is also a moment when our hero slices the muscles in his own arm to bring him closer to the heart of the beast. But, where, I ask, was the high-flying guitar lick to underscore it?

Eventually, the movie reaches an ending similar to that of the book. There is a funeral pyre on a dragon ship and a flaming waterfall, and it's so very right. But then, there is the Sci-Fi Channel style “is the story really over?” ending, which is totally absurd.

If you can divorce yourself from the book (probably not too hard for many), this is a crazy 3-D ride. However, I must say this—the picture calls into question Beowulf's honor, and that I cannot abide. And so I give it 3-Griecos. Enjoy it. Love it. Battle it. And prepare for Ragnarok.

Also, prepare for Part II of this epic, in which I will break down the 3-D previews the lovely Sherpa and I saw before the movie.

3-D + Mead Hall = Kickass!

Saw Beowulf in all it's digital 3-D glory last night. As a purist, I had many problems. As a lover of all things 3-D and metal, I was nearly moved to triumphant tears. A tale this epic deserves an epic GIK post. I will have the first part of a two-parter on Monday. Until then, may you dream of Dragon's Blood and the honor of Wyglef!

Coming Soon to a Grieco Near You!

Hello GIK readers. I just wanted to let everyone know that I am doing my best to keep up with all things Grieco. I know I have only managed about 2 posts a week, but I promise to keep fighting the good Grieco as we move closer to Grieco is King: Year 3. Got some bold pictures on the way including Honey (so very bad), a 4-hour mini-series epic about unicorns starring Randy Quaid, and much more. You don't want to miss it, so keep checking back.

As always, Keep Grieco in your heart all year round, and fetch me the finest goose in all of London!

Sequels: Part I

I saw an enormous ad for National Treasure 2: Book of Secrets the other day, and it got me pretty fired up. TGOGS and I left the Wonder Twins behind when the original Natty Treas hit the theaters and we loved it. Kind of. I mean it was way too long, but totally awesome none the less. Anyway, I'm sure Voight and Cage will make Part 2 even more ridiculous/kickass. The giant ad got me thinking about sequels, and how I have sort of stayed away from them as an entity on GIK. Well, that stops today with the first installment of what may or may not be a recurring segment.

Sure, we'll get into pointless sequels like Teen Wolf, Too or Fievel Goes West and disgraceful sequels like The Godfather III, but I wanted to kick things off with the worst "multiple sequels" of all time. Whether they're 2/3 of a trilogy or parts of a seemingly never-ending series, there's something really special about watching sequels get progressively worse.

Matrix Reloaded; Matrix Revolutions -- Hey, I have an idea. Let's take this Matrix thing out of the Matrix and eliminate everything that makes it cool. Oh, and let's really show off the fact that we once read a book on philosophy. What? You already did that Wachowski Bros? How'd that work out for you?

Halloween III; H2O; Halloween: Resurrection – OK, so Halloween III: Season of the Witch is simply one of the worst movies ever made. I would say watch it, but I don't know if you can make it through. I'd give it 1 1/2-Griecos on a good day, and it has nothing to do with Michael Myers, so it's just worthless. What bothers me about H2O and Resurrection is that they return to the Jamie Lee/Michael Myers story arc, totally ignoring Halloweens IV, V, and VI in the process. Now, VI has some problems, but the later sequels don't even account for IV and V, which are too good to be ignored. I mean, ultimately, Halloween IV is my favorite Halloween picture. There, I said it. Sorry John Carpenter, that's just how I feel. Anyway, glossing over IV and V is unforgivable in my book.

Alien 3; Alien Resurrection -- In the opening minutes of Alien 3, Reese and Newt are killed off without ever waking up from the “hyper-sleep” they were put into in Aliens. That's just wrong. You can't kill off two of the most beloved characters in the series without even giving them a line. Especially when one of those characters is played by Michael Biehn. It's like when Doug Masters dies in the opening scene of Iron Eagle II (we'll get to that at another time). Total bullshit. As for Resurrection; well I guess I don't like that word being in the titles of sequels. Also, this movie is more French than Sci-Fi, and not good French; annoying French. I mean, a quasi-cloned Ripley becomes some kind of a mother/lover to the Giger Alien, and there's all kind of womb imagery, and Winona Ryder is like Bram Stoker's Dracula bad. She might even be worse in this one. OK, probably not, but she's still really unwatchable.

So, there they are. The worst multi-sequels of all time. I'm sure I missed a few. Please let me know.

Behind the Mask

I know Halloween is over, but there is one more horror movie I need to talk about before I move on.

The lovely Sherpa and I returned to the ATX this weekend to kick it somewhat old skool with TGOGS and Obidiah. TGOGS suggested that we check out Behind the Mask: The Rise of Leslie Vernon. While Behind the Mask never had a theatrical release (the sexiest kind of release if you ask me), it did show at the greatest movie theater in America, The Alamo Draft House, and TGOGS was lucky enough to see it.

The movie is set up as a documentary (a mockumentary if you will) that follows a slasher movie style killer as he prepares for the big night that will secure his place in supernatural killing lore. It is one of the funniest things I've seen in a while, and it breaks down the slasher movie in a way that even Scream didn't do. It also gives answers to all of those “how the hell did he get up and disappear after being shot six times questions” that you would ask if you ever wanted to punch holes in a horror plot. I don't want to give too much away, but the movie does transition into something different in the end.

The casting is dead on (Robert Englund and the little short old lady from Poltergeist even show up), and the movie is really entertaining. While it's never truly terrifying or anything, there is a great mask and some scary moments. As Behind the Mask combines two of my favorite genres, horror and mockumentaries, I was a little angry that I didn't think of this idea first. If you're a horror fan, you should definitely see it.

Say “Grieco” three times in the mirror and he will appear, drink all of your beer, yell shit at your TV, and then vanish. I dare you to try.