Oh My Goth!

The Craft
I caught the last half of The Craft on TV last night. It’s a movie I’ve seen several times, but for some reason I haven’t yet given it it’s proper GIK due. For those of you who are unfamiliar with this piece of ‘90s history, it follows a coven of California teenage witches doing their best to set themselves apart from those damn preppies and to wear black stockings under black shorts with floor-length black cape/jackets and way too much makeup on their faces. Three of them have been doing pretty well achieving these tasks, but they don’t really get serious until our heroine Robin Tunney shows up. Turns out, her dead mama was a witch, and she’s got natural powers that go far beyond the crap the other girls learned from books. Seizing the opportunity, the leader of the Coven (the always slightly terrifying/somewhat more terrifying Fairuza Balk) brings Tunney into the circle and invokes some ancient Pagan god that Sherpa assures me is not found in any of the Wicca books she read while listening to the works of Robert Smith and Mr. Martin L. Gore in high school. Anyway, with the aid of this spirit, Fairuza becomes wicked powerful and wicked wicked, killing poor Skeet Ulrich along the way. In the end, Tunney must overcome her fears, accept her power as a witch, invoke the Spirit on her own, and take down Fairuza. She does, and all is happy again.

Now, I have enjoyed The Craft every time I’ve watched it. Most of all because it’s like a contest of bad acting. Seriously, someone will come on the screen, and the next person to enter seems to say, “Please. You thought that was bad. Watch this shit that I’m bringing to the table.” Everyone is so horrendous it’s hard to choose a winner. Neve Campbell (as one of the witches) has this scene where she keeps asking the Spirit (Maintenant, perhaps?) to “take my scars” over and over, and it’s just hilarious. Even the vaguely Portuguese woman who runs the candle/sacred feminine-laden magic shop is just simply awful in her two scenes. Seriously, people are so bad, that young Skeet comes off looking like a star even though he clearly sucks. In the end, though, the true contest appropriately boils down to protagonist and antagonist. The lockjaw-mumbling-I’m-not-gonna-look-at-anybody charm of Tunney vs. the I’ll-chew-up-this-freaking-couch-and-then-I’ll-rip-your-dick-off-with-my-eyes bravura display of Balk. It’s really hard to decide. We reached the point where we thought whichever one was speaking at the time was truly the worst. However, when all was said and done I had to give it to Balk, because her final freak-out in the mental institution kind of blows everything else away. Congrats Fairuza, you’re a champ. (note: This isn’t the first time Fairuza has played a witch. As a child, she appeared as the titular character in The Worst Witch alongside Tim Curry and TV’s Mrs. Garrett. JK Rowling clearly stole the plot of this film for her so-called “Harry Potter” series.)

I’m giving The Craft 3-Griecos (see ratings). It makes me happy, and I don’t know why, and that makes me even happier. I suggest watching it with a former Goth kid, so she can point out all of the inaccuracies when the girls “call the corners,” use their little knives, and do other stuff to make their daddies mad.

Ode to a Fallen Mustang

If you haven't already heard, Aaron Spelling died this week. Not only was Mr. Spelling a Dallas native and a fellow SMU Mustang, he was responsible for the majority of entertainment I have enjoyed in my life: "Charlie's Angels," "Dynasty," "Hart to Hart," "90210," and the greatest nightime soap of all time "Melrose Place" (you may remember that Melrose's Billy was an SMU grad on the show). Because of Mr. Spelling, the illustrious Kev and I had a chance to fly out to LA for free, stay in a ridiculous hotel, and meet the "Models Inc." girls at Universal Studios, and while he may not have been directly involved with "Saved by the Bell," you know he was partly responsible for bringing what is perhaps the most important pop culture mainstay of mine (and Kev's) life to TV. I'm not very good at sounding serious, so I'll let two people who actually knew the man sum it up:

"'He was undoubtedly the greatest producer of popular television during the 1970s, 1980s and 1990s," Joan Collins, who starred in the producer's hit "Dynasty," said Monday. "'I shall always be grateful to him for insisting I play the role of Alexis Carrington on `Dynasty.'"

Heather Locklear, star of Spelling's "Melrose Place," said Monday she was sad to hear of Spelling's death, adding: "'He called me his lucky penny (because Spelling shows she was in were hits) but I am the lucky one because he graced me with his encouragement and talent.'"
(From Forbes.com)

In honor of Aaron Spelling, I suggest that you all scan the Soap Network and catch a rerun of "Melrose," or relive the beauty that is Brenda and Dylan. If not, go rent "T.J. Hooker." It'll blow your mind.

RIP

Buena Park

There reached a point when I was living in Chicago when everyday became pretty much exactly the same as the one before. I was unemployed at the time, and it wasn’t one of those I’m-really-excitied-and-optimistic-about-the-prospect-of-finding-a-new-job kinds of unemployment. It was more like an I-can’t-believe-I-couldn’t-get-a-job-working-the-front-counter-at-a-fucking-cleaners kind of unemployment. If you’ve never been there, I’ll try to illuminate the situation. You reach the point where you get beaten down so much that you basically give up and you start to revel in the unemployed lifestyle. Sure, you’re totally broke and a little bit suicidal, but you know that regardless of what happens during the day, you don’t have to do a damn thing, and that’s comforting. Anyway, my days during this period (and this was a very long period) began at around 4:00 or 5:00 in the afternoon. I had started going to bed at 9:00 AM, so things got turned around pretty quickly. I would start the day by looking through the “help wanted” sections of the papers and circling jobs that I had absolutely no intention of following up on. Then my mom would call, and I’d tell her I had some good prospects. Then, if it wasn’t too late I’d try to catch the last couple of innings of the Cubs day game. A couple days of the week, my friends would stop by to make sure I hadn’t gone completely insane, but you know they had to work and be a part of humanity and stuff, so there were many nights I didn’t see anyone. I’d head out on my nightly quest for pizza (sweet Bojonno’s) and porn. Yep, ‘cause no matter how broke you are, you can always dig up money for a slice and some porn. Well, one of these nights as I walked home with pizza in my hand and adult entertainment shamefully hidden in my backpack, I was stopped when I got to my street. One look at the guy’s neck and his white polo-style shirt told me he was a security guard. At first, I thought they had outlawed porn and they’d finally caught up with me. Pissed that I would be going to jail and that I would never know how the intriguing “H.R. Muff n’ Stuff” series would turn out, I thought about making a run for it. Then, I pulled myself together and remembered that security guards can’t arrest you for porn. Except perhaps in Arkansas. God, I hate that state.

“Where you goin’?” The security guard asked.
“Home,” I said.
“Where’s that?”

I pointed to my sweet pad down the street, and he nodded as if to give me permission to continue walking. He then proceeded to follow me to the door of my apartment building. As I walked, I noticed trucks filled with lights, dudes running chords everywhere, and a crafts service station. Then I remembered, they were filming Dragonfly on my block and sweet Kevy Costner was only a few doors away.

Dragonfly
Dragonfly starts out with a heavy Mothman feel. Costner’s pregnant wife dies while trying to bring some much needed doctorin’ to the needy and the indigenous tribes of somewhere in South America, and her body is never found. Costner, a doctor too, starts receiving messages from beyond via his wife’s former-children-cancer-patients-who-have-had-near-death- experiences. These spunky dying little ones, it seems, cross over on a regular basis, and when they return from the Other Side to their beds in a made up Chicago hospital they start drawing strange pictures (sadly not of a mothman) and telling Costner that his wife needs to speak to him. Meanwhile, Costner starts losing his mind back in my old neighborhood. Kathy Bates (go SMU Mustangs!) tries to help him with her wisdom and bizarre haircut, but nothing seems to work. Not even the parrot he lives with can help him out. Some creepy stuff kind of happens, but it’s never really creepy enough. Eventually, Costner meets up with a nun who knows what’s what. The nun is played by the incomparable Linda Hunt, whom you may remember as Ilsa Grunt in a picture I like to call If Looks Could Kill starring Richard effing Grieco. Anyway, eventually with the help of the nun and some of his rafting buddies, Costner tracks down the place where his wife died, and a spirit-vision he has as he’s drowning leads him to the the village of an ancient tribe where he finds….wait for it…his daughter. Yep, the tribe saved the unborn baby from its mother’s womb and raised it until her dead spirit could lead Costner back to it. Just take a second for that to sink in. OK. Got it? You know, I should’ve seen it coming, but I told by myself no way are they going to trot the freaking baby out. Maybe his wife’s body, or some dragonfly bullshit, because his wife had a dragonfly-shaped birthmark don't you know, but the baby? Please. I can’t even---goddamnit how does this crap get made?!

Sorry. While Dragonfly does have the gaping plot holes of The Mothman Prophecies, it lacks Indrid Cold, and without Indrid what’s the point? Oh, and it’s not scary at all, unless you’re kind of freaked out by parrots, which I kind of am because, you know, they can talk. Anyway, I’m giving it 2-Griecos (see ratings). The ending is so ridiculous it almost makes the movie worth watching, but unfortunately Costner’s not as bas as he usually is (of course he’s not good either), so it’s kind of disappointing. Ultimately, I'm giving the movie an extra 1/2-Grieco because it made me miss Chicago’s Buena Park neighborhood, and I didn’t think anything could ever do that. Go Cubs, and give my love to the lady who smells of piss and wears black lipstick all over her face.

The Funniest Movie Ever Made

It’s not often that I go to a theater and laugh my ass off for almost the entire length of the movie. Even some of the best comedies struggle at times. However, this weekend I got a chance to see what I believe might be the funniest film ever.

Tokyo Drift
Your refusal to drift disgusts me. Yeah, that’s right. I’m talking to you. You’re out on the road driving mommy’s precious car, and you’re not even thinking about drifting. You’re a fucking coward.

Open on Lucas Black of Friday Night Lights/Sling Blade/Fight the Future fame. He’s an outcast; A poor kid in a rich kid’s world. Only way to handle it is to drag race against the kid who played the oldest son on that Tim Allen show whose title eludes me for some reason. Oh that’s right, ‘cause it totally sucked ball. Anyway, Lucas is racing against this once and future douchebag for a date with the bag’s girl. Seriously, after some talk about racing for “pinks,” the girl says “why don’t you race for me?” After some cars are totaled and this house that’s under construction gets destroyed, Lucas gets shipped off to Tokyo to stay with his estranged Navy officer dad. Within one day of being in Tokyo, Lucas meets Bow-Wow (no longer so l'il), a hot chick of questionable ethnic lineage, and a detached Japanese/American mentor who gives Lucas his prized car to race against the nephew of famed Yakuza boss. The problem is, Lucas can’t drift, and apparently if you can’t drift in Japan you’re screwed, because all of the roads are just crazy. After Lucas destroys the mentor’s car, the mentor takes the young yank under his wing and teaches him how to drift, and more importantly, how to live…man. Anyway, turns out the hot vaguely Hispanic/Australian girl is the girlfriend of the Yakuza nephew, and when Lucas tries to make his move, all hell breaks loose. Eventually, the mentor, who is screwing the Yakuza over, gets killed by the nephew in a twenty-minute down and dirty drift-fest/chase/explosion. It’s pretty awesome. Then, the nephew comes after little Lucas, but to settle things and to avoid the mistakes of his father, Lucas faces his problems and, meets with the Yakuza boss, and asks the old man to sanction a race that will send the loser (either Lucas or the nephew) away from Tokyo forever. Impressed by the white kid’s moxie, the Yakuza boss agrees. Lucas borrows a car that his dad was working on, you know an old beat up model that had “potential,” tricks it out with some fine product placement parts, and prepares to race on a mountainside that requires insane drifting skills. However, like the K-12 in Better Off Dead, only one man has ever successfully drifted the mountain. Yep, the nephew. Well, another bold race ensues, the nephew survives a horrific tumbling off of the mountainside, and Lucas drifts to victory becoming the new drift hero of Tokyo and reconnecting with his dad in the process. Then, as he lords over the underground drift scene he is challenged to a race by Vin Diesel, making a strained and awkward cameo. Credits.

What can I say? I loved this picture. I didn’t even hit on the fact that Lucas, for some reason, goes to a high school where only Japanese is spoken by the teachers even though he doesn’t speak Japanese and there are like fifty American schools in Tokyo, or any of the dance party-intercut-with-drifting montages.

Tokyo Drift has the worst dialogue I have ever heard. Now, I know I’m a lover of hyperbole, but I have gone over all of the shitty movies (yes, even the ones on SciFi) that I've watched, and I can’t think of one that has worse dialogue. Like every other line is “there’s an old Japanese saying…” You will laugh out loud many times simply when these kids open their mouths. My only problem with the movie is that there isn’t enough racing. Act II devolves into this terrible love story, which is hilarious, and there’s a sexy night-drifting scene, but come on. I want to see Japanese hipsters racing and doing insane drifting donuts around some sort of sentient robot billboard that simultaneously sells cola and panties. Is that too much to ask? I suppose so. Despite my need for more, Tokyo Drift delivered, and I want everybody to see it. I’m giving it 3 ¼-Griecos (see ratings). It’s a bold new rating for a bold new picture. I would’ve given it 3 ½, but there’s an implied rape scene, and while that’s not as bad as a gratuitous rape scene, it’s still king of gratuitous. But it doesn’t alter my opinion that this is probably the most important film of the summer.

DTLMF!

(note: poor Obidiah got dragged to this movie by TGOGS and me and had a very different opinion. I eagerly await her response.)

A Sexy New Grieco

I'm back, y'all. There was a time when I cared about telling the public about the works of Grieco and other films that almost defy description. Well, that time is here again. No longer will the people waste away in the darkness as films such as Raptor Island and Schindler's List go unwatched. OK, Schindler's List is still totally going unwatched. I'm sorry. I'm just not seeing it. Anyway, I know change can be scary, so please take today to get used to the new look of GIK. There are some new links that you should check out, as well. The Grieco fansite is fantastic and "Monkey Chow Diaries" has already inspired an up-and-coming GIK entry. I'm sorry I've neglected the site, and you, my fellow warriors, for so long. I ask for your forgiveness, and I swear it will never happen again.

Thanks to Sherpa for all of her help with the makeover, both of the site and of my soul. Oh man, I love prescription cough syrup.

Under Construction

I realize that GIK hasn't been the same in a while. There are fewer posts and almost no movie reviews. Well, it's because I've been spending way too much time on my "real" jobs. That's gonna change, my friends. I'm getting rid of one of my real jobs, and focusing up on Grieco once again. In the coming days, look for some bold changes to GIK and for some bold pieces. I intend to to tug at your heart...and your mind. Also, I still have to watch Abominable. Can you believe I haven't checked that shit out yet? Disgraceful.

Go Mavs! (They're gonna get it back together.)

Take 'em in 5

I'm too angry about the Mavs game to talk about Grieco. Even basketball related Grieco type films such as The 6th Man starring Kadeem Hardison (Dwayne Wayne, not Dwayne Wade) as some sort of ghost who leads a team to victory won't help. I'll be back tomorrow. Go Mavs. Avenge me.

Sweet Winnie Cooper

I caught about the last five minutes of a SciFi channel piece entitled Path of Destruction. From the description on my guide and the various fake newscasts that occur at the end of the picture, I gathered that it invoves some sort of cloud of nanotechnology that takes on a life of its own and sets out to destroy Mankind. You know how nanotechnology is; always hellbent on one thing or another. Anyway, I caught a glimpse of the ragtag band of would-be warriors doing battle with the evil cloud, and the main one was a spunky young newswoman played by Danica McKellar. That's right. Winnie Cooper. Now, "West Wing" fans were lucky enough to catch a glimpse of little Winnie all grown up, but if you're looking for another way to relive your childhood fantasy of comforting sweet Winnie out in the woods after she gets the news about her brother dying in 'Nam, check out Path of Destruction. Look, I only saw five minutes, but I guarantee it's a 3-Grieco (see ratings) film. I mean, there's a cloud of nanotechnology wreaking havoc on the planet. That's good stuff, y'all. Oh, and in real life, Danica McKellar discovered some sort of math theorem or something, and that's just totally effing hot.

Interview With a Grieco

I’ve been thinking about the perfect way to celebrate reaching 100 posts. I thought maybe I could go back and watch some of the earlier GIK films to see if they still hold up, but I realized that that would involve all kinds of Julia Stiles and I just can’t put myself through that. Then, I thought about coming up with a list of the 100 worst movies of all time. But if GIK has taught me anything, it’s that there are so many horrible movies I’ve yet to discover, so the list would be incomplete. Finally, I realized that the best way to celebrate 100 posts of Grieco was to celebrate the man himself. Sure, I could have done some research to find out about his life, but I have no interest in timelines. I want to get to the heart of Grieco, and the only way to do that is to interview him…or at least to concoct an interview in my mind:


#5: Dick, thanks for being here.

Grieco: My pleasure. You should really think about trimming your eyebrows. You know, really getting them down to a nice racing stripe.

#5: When I’m out on the streets talking to the people, the one question on everybody’s mind is, “When is Grieco going to drop If Looks Could Kill II on us?”

Grieco: (chuckling) I know, I know. Look, you can’t just crank out a sequel to a picture like that.

#5: It’s been 15 years.

Grieco: Exactly.

#5: Talk to me about Die, Die, Die.

Grieco: What can you say about Evigan? “My Two Dads,” right? With the Judge?

#5: Did---

Grieco: She was tough but fair, you know?

#5: Yes. Yes she was.

Grieco: (crying) Why do the great ones always die so young?

#5: She was like 80.

Grieco: Exactly.

#5: OK. I’m going to throw out some words and phrases, and you say the first thing that comes to your mind.

Grieco: Pudding!

#5: Um…Let’s start now---

Grieco: Pudding is fucking awesome!

#5: Yeah. OK. Johnny Depp.

Grieco: Damn handsome.

#5: Book of Days.

Grieco: Incendiary.

#5: The Legend of Samhain.

Grieco: Cocaine.

#5: Craziest thing you’ve ever done?

Grieco: Road head from a Polynesian circus freak on the way to the set of a softcore starring three mimes and my agent’s nephew…or A Night at the Roxbury.

#5: What’s next?

Grieco: Great American novel. It’s about a family dealing with drought and poverty in the Dust Bowl during the Depression. That. And werewolves. There’s lots of werewolves.

#5: Grieco.

Grieco: (pause) Son. Brother. Warrior. Lover. King. All of us.

#5: Wow. Thank you. Thank you for your time.

Grieco: No problem. So, are there gonna be strippers or what?

The Votes Are In: Resultathon II: The Reckoning

Thanks to all of you who cast your vote and helped me decide which movie to move to the top of my Netflix list. If you didn't vote, you can still check out the descriptions to see what you passed on, and you can curse yourself for the rest of your days for missing out on such an incredible opportunity.

Face the Evil: No Contest II: Access Denied starring the great Lance "Bishop" Henriksen came out on top. However, I am intrigued by all of the other films on the list, so those of you who voted for The Ape and Revenge of the Red Baron should not despair, for those pictures shall find a home on GIK some day. Just as I did last time we had the Netflix vote, I can only assume that you have all seen Point Doom starring Grieco (and Dice Clay) and that's why it received no votes, because seriuosly that's twice now that Grieco has been shut out on a site named in his honor. Although, come to think of it, that somehow makes him even more Grieco in my eyes.

Just a note: Today is GIK's 100th post. Soon, we will celebrate with a bold look back and a bolder look forward. Thank you all for keeping this thing going for so long.

Many Many More Movies

Now that I've seen Blind Horizon and Karate Dog, I feel it's time to turn to you, dear readers, once more. My Netflix queue is in need of some changing. Which one of these films should move to the top of the list?

Point Doom
Grieco and Dice Clay in the same film. There's also something about a love triangle and fleeing the city or something like that. Who cares? Grieco and Dice Clay battle it out over the same chick. That's every woman's fantasy, right? (also stars Ice-T and Angie Everhart)

Revenge of the Red Baron
A young Toby Maguire and an old Mickey Rooney have to fight off a model plane that is possessed by the spirit of the Red Baron. Seems that old Mick killed the Baron back in WWI. Also seems that a cheap puppet plays the spirit of the Baron. (this was suggested by a friend of mine who swears it's the worst film he's ever seen.)

Face the Evil: No Contest II: Access Denied
That's the best fucking title ever. Oh, and it's got Lance Henriksen, Shannon Tweed, an art gallery heist, and some stolen Nazi nerve gas.

The Ape
Nothing I can say compares to the description they use to actually try to sell this piece of shit. Here it is:

"Determined to write the next great American novel, family man Harry Walker (James Franco, also directing his feature film debut) leaves his job as a corporate scrub, moves out of his house and rents an apartment to help him focus. But when he unexpectedly discovers he has a roommate -- a trash-talking gorilla with an affinity for Hawaiian shirts -- Harry's plans go down the drain. Brian Lally portrays the scatological simian." (From Netflix)

Please let me know what I should check out first. Voting will last through Monday. Have a good weekend. Go Mavs!