Tuesday, August 28, 2007

Where Have All the Drifters Gone?

As I prepare myself for the upcoming long weekend and opening night of the Halloween remake, I am reminded that the Summer movie season is coming to an end. Now, as far as blockbusters go, it was a fairly bold season. Spider Man 3, Pirates of the Caribbean 3, Bourne 3, Potter 5, Transformers, etc. I missed Pirates, liked Spidey because I'm a Spider Man/Raimi nerd, was a bit disappointed in Potter because Book 5 is my favorite and they left way too much out, flipping loved Bourne because I love Bourne, and almost cried when Optimus Prime transformed for the first time because I long for my youth. Heck, I was even way into Invasion, so overall for me it was a standard decent summer movie season. But where was the Tokyo Drift of aught-seven? Where was the action picture starring B or even C stars like Lucas Black and that kid who plays Lance Harbor in Varsity Blues? Was it out there, and I just missed it? Summer can't just be about sequels and movies based on stuff. We need our ensemble of walking stereotypes like ID4, our glorious failures like National Treasure, and our low-budget/low-concept pieces that focus on the exploits of a young American trying to learn how to live, how to love, and how to drift on the streets of Japan.

If there was a Driftesque picture out there this summer and I missed it, please let me know. If not, let us devise one ourselves and show those fat cats down in Hollywood a thing or to.

DTLMF

Friday, August 24, 2007

TV Themes (Part 2)


Hello All,

Thanks for the great responses to the TV theme question. All bold in their own right. I know there are still more out there, so if you haven't submitted, do so on What Would We Do Baby...?
I'm going to try to put together a full list for next week, so those of us too lazy to read the comments can get a quick look.

So, no "This Week in Grieco" this week. I've decided to make it "This Fortnight in Grieco," because that seems more Grieco to me. Look for it next Friday. Have a good weekend, and look to GIK next week, because I'm going to get down and dirty with some talkies.

Tuesday, August 21, 2007

What Would We Do Baby...?

I've been watching a bit of "Veronica Mars" (fuck you, it's awesome) with the lovely Sherpa, and I find myself humming the catchy Dandy Warhols' opening theme. It's made me start thinking a lot about TV theme songs. Now, I know one man's Alan Thicke is another man's Johnny Mathis, but there are some themes that have stood the test of time regardless of who you're into, am I right? So, GIK readers, I put the task to you to single out the greatest TV theme song of all time. Please tell me and the others out there which song is the best, and why it's the best. Perhaps I can then make a mix tape and ask Brooke out to the social. I mean I think she was looking at me in P.E.

Oh, I'm putting out the "Twin Peaks" theme as the best of all time. It's perfick in every way. Sometimes, I wish it had the lyrics with it, but other times I'm glad it doesn't. I had the single when I was a kid, and my jam box would flip the tape over (suck on that, iPod), so I would fall asleep listening to both versions over and over. Then, I'd wake up and kill the homecoming queen.

Friday, August 17, 2007

Brothers in Grieco (17-August)

Hello, All.

I know things can get a little insulated over here at GIK, so I wanted to start shedding some light on some Brothers in Grieco out there; those who are tackling the big issues like bad movies, haircuts, and anything else that's worth learning about. For instance, I heard about a bike ride/pie eating contest today. That's something the people should know about.

Anyway, here is the first entry in what I hope will become a weekly segment:

Henry Rollins and Some Vertical Splitting
Brian over at Horror Movie a Day is truly a warrior. He has a level of commitment that I have never been able to muster, and he has a vast collection of movies. Check out his review of Wrong Turn 2: Dead End. This picture brings to mind the bold energy of a Savage Dawn with Henry Rollins filling in for Lance Henricksen.

Col. Chappy Sinclair Mocked

While I would have liked to see Gymkata make the cut, The Best Article Every Day put forth a truly worthy look at the Top 5 Most Ridiculous Movie Plots of All Time.

Zombie Apocalypse
Enjoyed Return of the Living Dead 5: Rave to the Grave, but never felt like you truly understood it all? Visit Screwed Uncle and get an in depth breakdown of the demise of Peter Coyote's career and this film that would pave the way for such GIK hits as House of the Dead.

Have a Grieco weekend.

What's on SciFi?

SciFi is rockin' a disaster theme this weekend, and it should be kickass. If you have no plans, I suggest you settle in for Fire: Nature Unleashed at 6:00 AM and then just see where the day takes you.

Tuesday, August 14, 2007

Voight in Tights!

When you've seen as many Grieco-worthy pictures as I have, you start to become a bit desensitized to crap. That's why I get really excited when I see a part of a movie that's so absurd it truly blows my mind. I had one of these glorious moments this past weekend.

After celebrating the lovely Sherpa's birthday, I returned home with three drunk, attractive ladies. In the old days, I would have been very excited about this, especially seeing as how there was a red head, a blonde, and a brunette. However, these days, the giggling and insane ramblings about men just bring more gray hair to my head. While two of the ladies postulated about the perfect man (apparently it's Harrison Ford) and tried to determine why people were mean, and while the lovely Sherpa tried to help them keep it down as to not wake the neighbors, I retreated to scan the 4 English-language TV channels I'm currently rocking.

Just as I was about to drift off, I saw it. A sight I never thought I would, nay, could see. It was Jon Voight in dublet and hose astride a horse prancing through an Arthurian backdrop. There are some actors who should never be in period garb. It has nothing to do with their talent, it just doesn't work (Pacino in Looking for Richard anyone?) Voight was comical and surreal and awesome. I quickly got sucked into the Palace intrigue. It seems that when the King (Wilfred Brimley—fuck yeah!) dies, the peaceful Voight will ascend to the throne. However, his warlike brother, Armand Assante, has something to say about that. On the night Voight marries his love, Assante stages a kidnapping and pins it on a rival nation a la The Princess Bride. But this is tragedy, my friends. Voight finds the body of his beloved in the forest, draws her close, and rails against the sky. Then—Boom! We're in modern times. (pause to reflect)

I literally shouted when the change came, because I truly didn't see it coming. It was the most Grieco thing I've seen in a very long time.

After Sherpa returned from the tiny beers and lip gloss party that was taking place on the patio, she did some serious Hound cross-checking and helped me discover that the movie was called Eternity and that Voight had co-written the screenplay (with God, perhaps?)

Anyway, back to the modern Voight. We learn that he is a reporter, and he believes he has shared a past-life experience with a woman close to the story he is working on. She, of course, is his Princess from the beginning. Assante and Brimley also show up in modern (Late '80s actually) roles that mirror their roles in the past. Soon after, I fell asleep. If you want to know how the picture turns out, you can get an in depth look at it from the good people of Agony Booth.

As for me, I'm giving it 4-Griecos, cuz that's how I roll. Voight in tights, a time shift. If you can't get behind that, may Hades ope its fierce maw and swallow you into Darkness.

Friday, August 10, 2007

This is Spartan!

So, I now know what my hell will be. A TV with no cable and 7 of 11 channels broadcast in a language I don't speak. That's how I am rolling in the new house, and it's made keeping up with Lifetime, SciFi, and the myriad other bad movie outlets very difficult. However, it has allowed me to enjoy shows such as "Don't Forget the Lyrics" and 21 Dance club, which is a local show that is basically a Krump-off. It's awesome. Seriously, this kid went up there kind of dressed like Erkel and talked like Erkel, and then just krupmed the shit out of the place. Anyway, my no-cable situation (soon to be rectified) has made the lovely Sherpa and I focus on our DVD collection. We hooked up our shit in stereo and watched 300 the other night. Totally metal, y'all. A movie entirely about honor, and you know I'm into honor. But I didn't come here to talk about honor and abs. Oh, no. With Sparta on my mind, I started flipping through the 4 English language channels I have. Now, with no guide, I've been forced to rely on my superior training (The Video Hound Game) to figure out what I'm watching. At first, when I gazed upon a portly Val Kilmer with terribly dyed hair, I was confused. Then he opened his mouth and spoke the forced, stilted, rapid patter that could only be Mamet's, and I knew I was watching Spartan.

Now, I didn't make it through this picture, but Kilmer's hair alone makes it worth checking out. I think it's supposed to be brown, but it looks reddish and entirely unnatural. You'd think if they'd let him on screen at 40 lbs. overweight, they'd let him on screen with gray hair, but no. So, there's Kilmer's hair, Booby Miles from FNL, and some intrigue, but it just doesn't seem to work on any level. Now, as a theatre kid I have spent my time kneeling before Mamet and calling him the fuck--what's the-you know--the f--I can't even--it's too many--too many--you fucking--c--shut up--bubby, but now I just think he's kind of a hack. Don't get me wrong, I still love Glengary and American Buffalo is pretty cool, but he seems to have become a caricature of himself. He's like the Robin Williams of playwrights. That said, check out Spartan for Kilmer's hair, oddly timed pauses, and a fading glimmer of all that was once Iceman.

And Happy Birthday to Sherpa and Obidiah! Wonder Twins Powers Activate! Form of an ice bucket.

Tuesday, August 07, 2007

An Apology to Capser

Readers of GIK know that I have not been kind to Capser Van Dien over the past two years. Although his films such as The Omega Code and Starship Troopers rank among my favorites, I take some delight in mocking his strong jaw, clenched teeth, and unwavering hair. Perhaps it is mere jealousy that causes me to do so. For if I were Casper, I would, indeed, be taller. My Napoleon Complex aside, Casper does bring some of all this upon himself with many of his acting choices. However, the other day I derided him for not being as famous as thought he would be, suggesting that he was an ego maniac and utterly deluded. Well, last night, the lovely Sherpa and I watched Sleepy Hollow (A perfect movie for us; Goth enough for her, not too over-the-Goth for me.) and we checked out the special features. In all of his interviews, Casper is just so jazzed to be a part of it. Early on in shooting, he got hit with a sword, and his finger was broken and blackened, but he showed some heart and kept going. And although he doesn't necessarily seem like the smartest kid in the class, he does seem like he's really trying hard up there, and I have to respect that. Not like that punk Chad Michael Haircut who clearly couldn't give a shit as to what set he's on as long as there is tail to chase. Anyway, I would like to tell Casper I'm sorry for judging him so harshly. Will his films continue to appear on GIK? I am sure almost every movie he makes is destined for this site. But that doesn't mean he's a bum. Casper, you may have honor sir, and I applaud you for it. Good luck to you and your many, many children.

Wednesday, August 01, 2007

The Bourne Cephalopod

Two weeks ago, myself and my former college roomates ( I was living with them at the time) settled down to watch Super Gator, another original movie from one of the three gnomes that writes all of the stuff on the SciFi channel. While it was a semi-awesome, semi-softcore picture staring Judi Dench lookalike Kelly McGillis and Brad Johnson from Left Behind I and II, it was typical SciFi fare. However, what it led to was one of the boldest openings to a B-beast picture I've ever seen.

Octopus (the First Hour)
OK, so after the lady of the house turned in, CTC and I started watching Octopus, pretty much expecting a re-hash of Super Gator, Frankenfish, etc. We were wrong, my friends. The first like five minutes of the movie is all in Russian, and then we're led through a Bourne/Munich style chase through vaguely European streets as a young CIA analyst and his old field agent mentor pursue a Russian spy (thank God that stereotype is returning). The spy bombs emabassies or something. More importantly, he's dressed like an old woman weaving his way in and out as extras who clearly don't know they're in a movie stare directly at the cameras. The young analyst is too much of a pussy to kill the spy, and this leads to the old mentor getting killed, but not before he blows up the spy's getaway car. In an honorable moment of cowardice, the analyst saves the spy. Now, there are all kinds of Russians (most of them attractive, scantily clad women) who want to rescue this spy, so the only way to transport him back to the US is via a submarine that's helmed by a crazy captain who might just go off the deep end at any moment.

The analyst and the spy arrive on the sub. Strip poker is played, and the analyst bunks with a hot marine biologist who's studying the sea from the sub or something while its “on maneuvers” off the coast of somewhere. There's more talk of "maneuvers," some bad flirting, a valiant escape attempt from the spy, and then the Octopus shows up. OK, once the octopus show up, it's all down hill. I actually bailed as the film morphed into the bad Jaws/Orca rip-off we all knew it was destined to be. However, the fact that it took an hour for the mighty Kraken to show, and the fact that it totally played like a bad political thriller until that moment is bold as pants. That said, I give the first hour of Octopus 3 ½-Griecos. Once the Octopus shows up, go to bed. Or, if you haven't aged 20 years in the last five months like I have, enjoy an evening of frolic.